Lost Peace

Today is a day of not good news

Our youngest son T, was told yesterday in a letter form that, he isn't "good" enough to be enrolled into the School of Music at Northern Arizona University....as he read it out loud, to all of us in the room, with joy and love upon his face and with a tone in his voice of lilt and with an inflection of true anticipation, he arrives to the part in the paragraph, of words that could cut to a bone, "upon review of your application of materials and voice audition, we regret to inform you that you will not be enrolled into the School of Music for the school year of 2009 to 2010"....as the letter dropped slowly and wafted out of his hand, tears began to form in my eyes....I hug him and no words are spoken....my husband and I are waiting to see if T's reaction was, "okay, I guess I will try again next semester" or " I am the failure that they have been telling me I was"....as I am releasing my arms from around his adult torso, it is most obvious that he is not wanting to deal with "the letter"....we can see that T is beyond any sadness that I could justly describe to you in words on a page such as here....

T 3 years ago, had attended NAU....he was wanting to major in Choral Education and become a music teacher for high schools....T has wanted to do this since he was a Junior in high school...."T' went into NAU his freshmen year thinking that he had the world in front of him....that all his hopes and dreams were to be attainable at this University....that he knew hard work and total commitment was the first and foremost requirement that he needed....NAU is the place for such a degree he had been told....

T's freshmen year was by far amazing for him!....he made Dean's list and honor roll the first year....he acquired many many friends....but, then of course if you knew T, that only makes perfect and logical sense for, T is that great!!

In his first semester though, it had been obvious that he and the assigned room mate were not able to put differences aside and be able to reside in a small 40 by 40 room any longer....T did all then what was required of him to arrange and move to another dorm floor....T had never shared with my husband and I, what he was having to deal with....he wanted to handle it himself and not have either of us worry about him....it was only when we had arrived for a visit one weekend, T announced that he hopes we didn't mind but, he needs help "moving" the last of his things into his other dorm room....then he relaid what had been happening in this first semester....both my husband and I listened to T as he explained what had transpired for those months....how he tried to resolve what ever he could but, in the end found that "some people just do not want to be resolved or to have to compromise"....T having had made so many friends in the dorm, each of them encouraged him to move in with anyone of them instead....to this day, my husband and I will be forever grateful to C and his wanting T to be okay and happy....

The next year brought to T wanting to move out of the dorms and renting an apartment with friends....seeing that he was a hard worker in his studies and his working out the ways he would get to and from school campus, (T didn't have a car) with his room mates as well as other friends, my husband and I thought he would be a great candidate for accomplishing this....oh, and he also was working part time at a restaurant too....the friends to whom he had moved in with, by 2nd semester had then become erratic and not ones that he felt lived up to what they had said and promised him....we did our best to accommodate what was left of the semester and get T to where he needed to be and rearranged classes and such for him to be able to get to them....still, it was a semester that was horribly erratic and incomplete....

As part of the semester in Choral studies, after each semester you are to go before a panel of the administration and "perform" to voice to show this panel, your improvements, as well as, your grades and attendance of commitment to the Music Program....after each of these 2 semesters, T was being told that maybe he should start looking into another major...that the progress in his "vocal" ability is lack....T was devastated...."how can a voice of top quality be what is needed to be a Choral Director in Education?".....we were all baffled by this...none of the "panel" would answer his questions as to "what can I do differently so that I can be a Choral Director?....take more voice lessons was the only resolve he was given....so he did....we also felt that the panel may be "seeing" what level of commitment T had for this degree and passion to tell him this, as well as to all the other students pursuing this degree....yet, every time T was told that he should look elsewhere....

By the beginning of his third year, because of room mates that were truly from HELL and his trying to be what the administration was directing him towards, T soon became a lost soul....he was doing for everyone else except himself....he never had himself on the list of life's priorities....he was becoming what the administration was telling him....failure....not knowing as his parents for his "act" was Oscar worthy, we believed that he was doing the best he could....later we find that, be it a suicidal friend/room mate, a childhood friend that soon became tormentor and belligerent to T and his cat, or his finding solace and peace with those that do not have drive and commitment toward any positive worth at all, my husband and I became aware that things are in need of desperate change for our T....so by the January, we moved T home....depressed and lost, we nurtured T towards self esteem and an out look on life that meant pursuing everything you want....we encourage T to go and speak with his true friend and mentor, his music teacher from high school....with love and goodness in her amazing heart, she first told him precisely what he is needing to do to get back on track....the very first question she wanted to know was, "do you really want to teach music to high schoolers?"...."is that your passion?"....still bruised and sore from his past life in Flagstaff, he answered with what truth he still possessed and told her yes to each question asked....she motherly advised him to get into her classroom and be an intern for her a couple of days a week....that he needs to get into the community college and take what classes he needs and didn't complete while up at NAU....that he needs to get into the community college's choir....because he can sing and sing ever so beautifully....that he needs to know that he has purpose and is absolutely valid in what he wants in his life....my husband and I will be forever thankful to her for telling him, in her way, what we have been telling him all along....

So the professional letter-headed paper, lays on the coffee table and it stares back with such accusation and criticism....T doesn't want to talk about it...coffee this morning was quiet and discussion was not on the table at all.... he "wants to get through doing the college play that he is in"...."I will think about it later"....we can give that to him I suppose....as parents, we are hurting for our T....he deserves to have what he wants in life....we will, when he allows, to have us help him look at his options....re-audition come Spring?....finish all that you can at the community college level?....apply at ASU?....is there others?

J and I think we will just hug him every moment it is allowed....we will tell him that we think he is amazing and worthy of this degree....that life isn't always fair and you have to weave your way through the ugliness to find the beauty....

And the beauty is T....

Finding Peace in Aggrevation

I am D-O-N-E!

Does pursuing and then having a career, and/or a mission to have money, and/or to amass material things around you, and/or to "achieve" a degree from a university/college, and/or only as a couple, you support financially your family mean that, you have ABSOLUTELY no other worth in this world of ours?....that having all these attributes and acquisitions, define us as what it is to be worthy and what it is not to be worthy?

I say with a heavy heart that I am constantly and with consistent barrage from some, judged and questioned about my daily living routines and rituals....I have been told that I am viewed as a lazy person....that I must be "depressed" or "in a funk"....that our boys are grown so, "what are you going to do now or what are you doing?".....that I have had the words hit my ear and travel to my mind and finding it's way to my reasoning center, "what have you done today?"....that I can sit amongst others and be viewed as a non-interesting person because, I do not have anything that is deemed "important" enough from the outside world to share or have in common with....and lastly, the one that makes puddles of my tears routinely, is that I am so very SELFISH in how I live my daily life....that I so very much take for granted my husband and selfishly allow him to bear all the responsibilities of our life and our conduct....that he will never see retirement because of ME....where the hell they got that one I'll never wrap my brain around....

So I am asking, does being successful in a marriage and life mean, that you can only be of great purpose if you are contributing to the household finances and/or that you are being productive in a career or field of expertise?

I am constantly fighting against others perception of me and what I bring to the life that I have been given....that I have no purpose nor drive in life....you know when we are introduced to someone, it is the part of the basic-casual conversation to be a question to one another, "so what do you do or what do you do for a living?"....when I was a young Mother just starting out, it was easy....I would reply, "I stay at home to take care of our 2 young sons and boy, are they a handful!"....some would say, "oh, that is so wonderful of you to do that" or there are the one's that said, "so, you do nothing else outside of the home then?"....how does one respond to that?....my husband and I believed we were taking care of our precious children the way we wanted to and of course we didn't want to offend the person that was in front of me asking such things....so I would try and change the subject.....at times, later learning that they either did not have children (yet) or they did have some and chose to work outside of the home....still, the judgment was scoured into my pores and I was not doing that to them!....then in later years it had and still does become increasingly more difficult to speak the truth when asked....for my truth would not be looked at in a positive light still nor would the questions they would ask, make me feel that I am substantial or that have proper society's worth on this earth....it is with my eyes casted downward, while I am desperately trying to compose in my head, what response will fit best in the situation at hand....to not feel judgment to what my truth really is for me.....it has happened to me so many times....I have seen it in their eyes and body language while I am responding to each of their questions....I have also found that when I have confronted those and have spoken my truth, with all my self-esteem and confidence in tact, they quickly find something else to be doing or better yet, find SOMEONE else to talk to....it has become somewhat easier to dismiss the person I hardly knew or will likely see again....yet, family and their perception of me and who I am, has relevance to my conduct....

I had a best friend once speak up for me in such a situation....she quickly responded to "said" question of me because, she has known my affliction to this judgment of my character....her response to it was, "N gets to do what we all wish we could do everyday....N gets to not be at work all day and is quite happy and content!"....with joy in my heart because my best friends always have my back, I smile to her and say "thank you"....

Some may still choose to pursue me in their list of inquires as to what I "really" do with myself daily....some just do not know how to respond to my truth at all....I get allot of nodding....no happiness across their faces or they are plastered on nicey smiles....it is usually the responses of letters falling out of their mouths, forming the words of judgment and unaccepted conduct that I hear more often....so why wouldn't I recoil back into myself and sit in what Peace I can find....I try so hard to not judge them back...."they are from another era"...."they believe that it is important to have a job and be productive in society"....I justify myself and my life with an openness that I am just starting to be comfortable in....yes, they are allowed opinion and question....just not belittlement or making me feel small and insignificant, even if it causes them to be unsettled....

How many of us can with an honest and open heart say, they absolutely LOVE their life?....I so can!....I am following my passion each day!....okay, not everyday....I do have some hard days as we all encounter them time to time....some transcend from day to day because they are things that are beyond our control....yet for the most part, my days, weeks, months, and years are filled with the pleasures of seeking peace and contentment....I indeed experience both!....that I can still be teacher and student at the same time....that I am interesting to be with....I am content with life....anything more than what I have is gravy!....that sitting in the silence is a "good" thing....

My loved and adored husband, of 26 plus years, has never ever asked nor said any of the unkind things that others of importance to me have....his mannerisms in our life has never shown me that he "hopes" or "wishes" that I would do differently than what I do now....to him, I haven't given "cause" for him to question my actions in life....this is OUR life together and it works for us....I have in the past, when things got extremely hairy with Jay losing a job, a niece coming to live with us and not knowing for how it would be, or that we needed to refinance or such, I have always without "moaning" or "complaining" stepped up to "help" my family....I have come to realize that there are some family members and some other's, that believe that I am not of any help to him because of "my lack of purpose" in life....I know me to be productive and that I contribute....

I AM VALID!

My conduct in life and in the relationships I love and maintain should be enough....right?

Peace-N-Love

Happy Valentine's Day!

Will you all be mine?

When walking the aisles at my closest Hallmark store last week, a trip I so enjoy for no reason at all at any time and who doesn't like Hallmark, I found that the store held more rows than when it was Christmas time....there were 3 rows upon rows of pink, red, and purples....some that were sparkling and some with touches of glitter....there was one that held all their famous "singing" cards....ones for the cards that you can record your voice to....there was even a a small section that was of Homer Simpson wishing you the very sexiest of Valentine's....now, Homer Simpson would never-ever make me want to think romantically towards my husband!....kinda scary huh?....I stood there giggling while reading the Shoebox ones as I always do....drawing attention to myself...having strangers turn but, giving me the look of, "oh I so understand" and we exchange smiles or a tee-hee....then finding the area of the ones that had me in a puddle that read such deep sentiment...resting upon the one I found that would touch my heart in expressing to my precious sister that she too is my Valentine....each of these paper colors bring such love and laughter that we should have the spirit of Valentine's everyday we live on this earth, no?

My husband and I have had many many Valentine's Days together....in our starting out years, our Valentine's Day were the handmade ones because money was ever so tight....formula and diapers was where our money needed to be....so while babies were napping, I would sit at our kitchen table and rummage through our eldest sons art supplies and with love filled in my heart, create crayon colored cut-out hearts in all shapes and sizes....then hanging them all around the house so that when my Valentine came home, all these hearts would cover him in love....some years I made coupon books that was filled with everything from allowing him to sleep in, to washing his car, to a back rub with it NOT leading to "other" things!....we were both just too tired back in those days!....

Our boys have been men for awhile now and they are off doing their own things so to speak....so now for the last, I would dare say 5 years, we both have left one another's Valentine's Day cards all over our house....and mercy, there are many that are all over the place!....after we have woken up and gotten out of bed, and have enjoyed our mornings Valentine's Day coffee with one another, we go about our days rituals and discover our Valentine's to one another....we find our written love for one another in all the best places!....in the shower (before the water is on!)....in our walk-in closet where we dress....in our bathroom sink....in-between the sports section pages in the morning paper.....the medicine cabinet....my jewelry box....on top of the piano....laying on our pillow before we get into bed...

Each of our envelopes have handwritten words of song titles that have an importance to us both, or are of words that are endearing....some have been of our pet names for one another....our day together is coming across ones that we have hidden or tucked away for the other to find....each time one is found and read, we seek the other out....kisses are covered on their cheeks....tissues maybe handed to one another....throughout the day after they are discovered and thanked for, we then hang each of them up on our pantry door....this way, we can allow each one to wash over us as we pass by them every moment of the day....

My husband forever will be my Valentine....I have truly known no other in this capacity....no other soul is for me....all the words have been written about us....all the words are real....and all the cards that are printed, will always be exchanged every year....we both live our life as it is Valentine's Day everyday....

I hope that your Valentine's are ones that can be everyday....be it a best friend that asks you to be one....a son or daughter....a Mom and Dad....even ones beloved pet...just remember that L-O-V-E is something that we do, not somewhere we fall....

Sitting here, I wonder how many more love notes I "still" need to find and is there enough room on the pantry doors for them all?