You know, back when I had first thought about creating a blog for myself and then making the decision to share it with others in this crazy blogging world, I had believed for the most part, that I would be writing posts that were mainly going to be of simple fun, or of deep meaning to me as in people that touch my life, or even of our families silly traditions!
Yet, since making that long ago decision to become a blogger, I had became more and more aware that, I had something even more to contribute outside of just myself. Each visit or my own posting, onto the many different digital papers, I found that there was more to all this than met the eye. That I found fellow blogger's were commenting on my postings. That there were things to be said and acknowledged. That I had more laughter to be ingested. That my incurable desire for Peace, I was quickly discovering it in the many other blog's on long the way. Even for the very elusive forgiveness, that I am always in hope for, in "what-ever" was happening around me and was given to me in the writings of my own and on the pages of friends that I made along the way.
In all these writings of mine, I have hoped that I have given the impression that I have a life has been one of true and pure positiveness and I live my day by such rules. That I am of the optimist nature and I have little room for the pessimists way of living. That stuff happens to us all. That I have succumbed to move through whatever it is. Always seeking counsel and comfort from those that I truly hold in high regard. To actually go through the angst and power that it is. That I never pack my bags for my days travel with any type of negativity on my mind or in my heart. That I choose bliss and that I stand only in compassion and empathy.
Until.......
These past 3 to 4 months, have been so unnerving and tiring for me, my family, and for the deeply loved friends that surround me daily. There has been so much sadness. Loss. Anger. Of so little peace. I am feeling beat up.
Each time, I have recited to myself over and over, when something is staring me in the face once again,
"This is not God's fault."
"With the good, comes the bad eventually."
"This too shall pass."
Or my favorite lately, and I'm screaming it loudly,
"I'M DONE!"
So.....here I am standing on my soapbox. My arms stretched wide. Stomping my foot here and there. Pleading to the universe saying, no more please:
Cancer.
Disease.
Car accidents.
Health issues.
A friend of 20 years, thinking you are capable of something, that just makes you just tilt your head to the side and say, "really?"
Death.
Pending death.
Coping with death.
A child that doesn't want to take pride in themself.
Learning of 3 friends deep depression and never knowing, ever, that they were going through it.
Suicide.
Attempts at suicide.
Haiti.
Loved ones on the brink of losing their homes.
Trying to fix what one can and realizing soon that it is futile.
Lack of compassion for another human being.
Job loss.
Downsizing.
Relationships changing without being consulted.
A child not doing what is needed to be happy on their own.
Pets having to be laid to rest.
Money.
A Baby being left without a Mother.
Funerals.
Not seeing enough of those that are good for your soul.
Walking with knowledge that you do not want to know.
Ignorance.
Employment security not safe anymore.
Eating disorder.
Promises.
Biopsy's.
A parent having to move in.
Your oldest sons friend, serving in Afghanistan.
Lied to.
Arguments.
Well now....there you have it. I have orated all that I have had in my shattered mind and pained heart of late. The many many shard pieces that were jagged, coarse, and raw are slowly being repaired. I have stepped down off the soapbox and I am going back to believing that,
Life still goes forward......
I know, I am just feeling overwhelmed and overloaded for a spell here. A very very L-O-N-G spell. I know that the bad "ju-ju" that has been in the water lately, will eventually have to run dry.
Still, there are days that it's quickly overshadowed by the abruptness of that proverbial,
"the next shoe that falls."
I am of the thinking there is truth in,
"when it rains, it pours."
But,
I am also of the thinking there is truth in,
"God does not give you more than you can handle."
So,
Amongst all this, I am and have done many things to keep my mind moving and active since these months have passed. Each day, I have things to remind me of the great and the good of this blessed life I have been given. I do my best to do for another each day. After my morning coffee, faithfully, I still wrap myself in my Monet-Prayer shawl and recite my mantra on my Mala beads. I get up each day and proceed through it being continually humbled to have been allowed so many blessings. To be of reverence in been given such amazing people in my life! To accept and to strive to keep moving forward, that there are far worse things happening everywhere and to everyone. That this "pity-party" of mine is truly so small in comparison to everyone else's. That everyone has their own story and their own crosses to bear. That if we ALL could throw our troubles into one huge pile, there is probably a good chance that we would take back all of our own troubles!
So okay, I'm just tired. Weary. I just need a break or a long long pause. We all do! Country, world, and universe!
I am in prayer that posting this is will be cathartic in some way. We'll see, right?
Oh and by the way, I even went and bought a "new" pair of rose-colored glasses.
I was thinking that maybe,
just maybe,
my old ones were just really scratched up.....
