I'm Fiddy!

January 25th, 1961


You would think that this milestone was a horrible one. I have been told it is and some of my dearest friends have wrestled with it hard.

Not me.....I haven't looked at it that way at all. It is a number, not a feeling.

I have been so happy these past few years with all that is happening around me. I have learned to appreciate the body I have been given. As I am grateful to her daily for carrying me and taking the best care she can, under all the circumstances I give her. I so love my brain. How she has helped me cope with anger and despair. To understand I cannot control anyone or any situation. I can only take care of my actions and reactions.

50 years taught me this.

I still of course, get sad and frustrated when things do not fall into place the way I intended. I desperately try to find the lesson in it when it doesn't. Beauty in ugliness and it is what it is, have become my motto's over these years.
Coming into 50 has been so wonderful for me. I stand up for myself more and do not allow others to belittle me and cause me to doubt my true moral compass. I do not allow others to put words in my mouth. I have learned it is none of my business what others think of me.

I have a soulmate at my side that is everything that is good and right. My J has always been my greatest fan and has encouraged me in everything that I do. He has provided me a life of pure bliss and it is not at his expense. My J and I are, just are. When things are right, the kind of right that is felt down to your core, you never tamper with or sacrifice that.

I stay as kind as I can when I speak or think of another. I try to allow others the same that I hope from them. I get stuck sometimes and I have learned that it passes quickly when I give it no power. I have learned that I am a good person with a very good heart.

I LOVE BEING FIDDY!

I can't wait to see how the rest of this amazing life goes. I am so excited! Excited as a 50 year old SHOULD be!

January 25th 2011


Blessings, light, love, and peace for all of you!
Happy Birthday!

Life in more than 6 months....

This has been my last 6 months....or so....

In a nutshell basically....more or less....

It has been a range of emotions and crisis's. Ebbs and flows that have occurred in our lives. From the daily happiness of love, to the profound sadness of loss (and I can hear what you are all saying about now, "duh....facts of life") I have witnessed so much ugliness and vile words come out of the mouths of those that claim to love me. Older established friends, deciding to end this friendship without discussion or resolution. Our despair of a National economy and it's effects on our family and friends. Some of our's employment is "prayingly" secure, while others are lost or cut in half. Houses lost to banks and quick new living needs to be found. An addicts relapsing after sobriety was experienced. The reality of that horrid horrid disease setting in our bones once again.
Still, even with the insecurities of my and of my family's life; I have once again discovered positiveness and so many more lessons learned. To become richer with knowledge in each of their endings. The time that I was beyond scared. Beyond terrified even. (So much so, that to think about them again, makes my eyes pool with tears and my heart races.) It was to my very core of being. Only being in the end, receiving beyond my capacity, all the love and light that this world posses for any of us. There were days that I felt awfully alone. Despair was a friend to me. No one truly, unless experienced for them self, could know exactly what it was for me and my family. Many gave comfort and their heart but, in the end it was a journey I once again was destined to travel alone. It was overwhelming to say the least. Those times have passed and I stand straighter in the light, with my face lifted towards the heavens. Grateful and educated I have become.

New beginnings....

As we can see, my last post was of My Martha. Those months prior, then the fact of her leaving this earth, and then the aftermath of "how does it all work now?", just about "took-me-out" if you don't mind me sayin. Still trying to redirect that fluid running through my veins. (Even our Book Club not spared in many ways.) I am most aware that it is all still fresh and new. 6 months have just passed. The firsts for us all have had to happen. I do believe I have gone through the bulk of the grief part. Even though, I am even aware of it all while I write this.

I just purely miss her. My Martha. I have no other words to describe it. We are all trying to seemingly fall, into our way of walking in the world without her physically, at our side. I have found a pace and gait at times. When seeking comfort, I see my Martha in every book I read or when my fingers caress the books on the shelves in the stores. My Martha is in every inch of Gilbert El. When at Nando's enjoying bean dip and getting on The Margarita Express. In all the faces and hearts of her friends and family. My Martha is even on Facebook still. I have found it such an oddity, at how life continues to move. Don't you? In the end, I know we are just loving our loved one in a different way. Still, we are "odd" because we are no longer the same person we were before.

Well I had digressed. Moving on....

Thinking about where and why to resume blogging, after friends ask where and why I haven't been doing it any longer, I realize that life is a faucet of these many emotions/things I have experienced in these last 6 months....or so. Though I feel it not right to bare the intensity of my despair that occurred and will not for the future (God please no more of that!) I was thinking to take my blog to heights of the joy within my heart. Lessons I may have learned. Things that make me go mmmmmmm. I am so blessed. I repeat this to myself daily. I am so blessed. I am SO blessed! It's funny, I wish I could justly describe the amount of LOVE I have within me. I know it was there when I was crying in the shower or my tears dampened my pillow at night. It was there when we said goodbyes to those we were not wanting to. All at the same time, I feel I could just BURST with the love and chosen bliss I DO posses!


So, in coming back, it is my prayer that I will try to give you, more of a window into all my blessings. Even the ones I will learn are blessings. Documenting with photo's maybe the challenge though for me. I have such a hard time remembering to take the camera with me wherever I go and if I do, having the camera in hand to take them. And as far as on my cell phone, it is still too simple to have me be able to download any photo for all to see. Still I will try.

So for my first blog back, I want to share a few "magic" moments that I (we) experienced in these last 6 months....or so.

I am not sure when, but I believe in this past March, we had begun renovations to the inside of our home and of course, to our living. My J bought me a new "grown-up's" couch for my birthday and it all started from there! We also became Empty Nester's in August. Our youngest now out on his own. The Family home had been large enough to raise our precious 2 sons, 3 dogs, a mouse and 2 cats. Housed my sister B and her dog for 4 months....or so and my niece S came to live with us for almost 5 years. If the walls could talk right?

We began with the downstairs. Family room, kitchen, formal Living room.

This is the downstairs family room. My J made those wooden shutters for the windows with his own hands. We chose forest green because, it had always been a favorite color of mine.

This is the before.


And now the after.


We are so pleased with the end result of this room. It has cleaner lines and seems more of a "grown-up's" house now. My J once again, did the mantle all by himself.

This is suppose to be the Dining room. Yet for our family, we never really needed one. It always seemed our kitchen was the "heart" of our family and most gatherings. (even during the earlier hosted holidays, we used the kitchen. It wasn't until our numbers grew too large that I gave all holidays to my sister B to host!)

This is the before.


And now the after.


These are of the formal Living room. The iron gate upon the wall, was intentionally bought to go as our bedrooms headboard, but we love it so much and found it quite unique, that my J built a platform so we could mount it on the wall. I still have hopes that it will one day be our bed's headboard. We don't have any before photo's for the Living room. We forgot to and remembered too late. All the walls were white and little else.

This is after.


And another after.


This oil painting over the table, was done by my J's Aunt M. Many years ago. I believe she would have liked how we have honored her and the painting.


This is going up to the upstairs of course. The quilt there, was in a box we had found, after my J's Grandma R had passed on. The note in the box read, "whoever finds this, please oh please, finish this and put it all together and keep it for yourself." I was beyond silly when I was the one that opened the box!! It was dated 1952.


August: after the bittersweet departure of our youngest son T, we found it echoed in silence and loudness as one, all throughout the upstairs. 2 of those rooms empty in remembrance of the day we moved in. This is our youngest son T's room. It now serves as our guest room. Again, no before photo's. It was painted a very very vibrant blue. The entire wall with the window, had floor to ceiling shelving. Since finished, son T has given his approval and has already slept here a couple of times.

This is after.


And another after.


We were so pleased with the end results. There are still 2 more rooms to go and I didn't include our oldest son J's room, which is now my J's office. Nor the 2 bathrooms either. Still we have time now. The echoing has ceased and memory laughter is all around. There are new sounds filling the gaps. I do admit though, it took my J and I awhile to be use to all the changes. With being Empty Nester's, we found that this new chapter was a grieving process, as well as, an exciting time and adventure. And we do know how I do so love an adventure right?

November: our Thanksgiving table. Missing is our son J and daughter-in-law M. They spent it with her family. As her (and ours too) family, we suffered the loss of the Matriarch B. The family needed to create new traditions and still grieve their first holiday without him. For us here, we still manged to have a table, that was of love and light. Of family and friends. Laughter that could numb one silent. Heads bowed in reverence to these blessings in life. God's true Grace.

An evening out with Love and Family.


The greatest Man, in every way possible. I couldn't survive without this heart of a man intertwined with mine.
My J.


This is our Christmas with our children believing in Santa Claus.
This is them finding out that they were accepted into the Hogwart's School of Wizardry in March!


Their Owls are sleeping after their long long flight to give our children their acceptance letters. They were sleeping soundly in their boxes below.


This is our youngest son's newest baby. She is a rescue of course. 6 months old. (irony huh?) She is half blind in one eye and she is partially deaf.
Please meet our precious Piper.


This is our oldest son J while on a training trip to Georgia for a NEW promotion within his employment. He went to visit his Godfather J and his amazing family. Nothing like a Godson and Godfather sharing quality time together.


This is our youngest son T. He founded and started with a partner, their own Theater and Production company.
Book No Book Productions. They both have 2 productions already under their belt, all we can say is, "Look out world, our baby is on his way!"


I still continue to swim in the depth of love for my Sister B! She truly loves me like no other person could ever try. B proves time and time again, that she can still bring me to my knees in gratitude and laughter!
NOTHING like a sister! NOTHING!


So there you are....

Life is beautiful! Even in the ugliness. I adore with all my heart and do my best to honor all that choose to have me in their life.

So, let's see how well I do here again. Hoping that blogging is back here to stay and I say to you all, I really am so sorry that I have been gone such a while.

Love and Light to you all.

And....

Margarita Martha!

With smiles and a face that lit up this world.....

A heart that could submerge you into blissful oblivion....

Knowledge that readied you for the challenges that one may face....

Teacher that was beyond teaching to any of her small ones hearts....

Mother that moved mountains to care for her babies.....

Wife whom knew the depth a her quiet mans soul....

Friend compared to no other....

Spirit and soul that will reside in us forever....

God-speed our friend....save seats for us....

Peace of this & a Peace of that.

In my lifetime so far.....

I have been immensely blessed in my 49 years of life. I strive to live a grateful life everyday that I am allowed to be here. Having friendships, is one that because of the passing of time and through acquiring wisdom from others, for me, has become one of the most treasured blessing that I posses, next to the blessing of my own blood family.

Since I can remember, I have been an explorer for having and being in friendships. Seeking always for the elusive validation and acceptance in all that whom I trustingly embraced firstly. Because that's what we ALL really want in this world from others. No?

Over these last 4 decades of me, I have been given without pause by me, many friends here in proximity, as well as, some scattered over the many states across this country. The many that I have left behind, are amongst the ones that pain me into a dark space of abyss at times. Knowing that I only see them but once or twice a year. These childhood moppets, were my mentors and examples to what I was in need of appropriately. I learned what it was to BE a friend. Over time, I have found some peace in knowing, that I would rather see those beautiful and spiritedly rich friends, once or twice a year, than endure just one (some) friend(s), that are of false slander against me. They are the one(s) that speak of unkindnesses towards me or behind me to others. You always find out down the road what they did or what they said. It is like a lie. I try daily to live my life in a way, that no one would ever think of me to BE fodder. I am well aware that I am of pure imperfection with stitched intentions of good. In the end though, it simply comes down to, how with true care and honesty, we love one another in our friendship. It is the bases of all that is right in the world.

L * O * V * E

I have never had to second guess the friends that I have chosen (or better worded, learned) to have fallen madly in love with. The others are my blessings of being my acquaintances. I still love them with the heart I have been given and educated with. I also would do almost anything for them. I do chose to protect fiercely, each of my inner circle as my blessings. I know my emotional safety is with them, as theirs is with me. In these later years, I have told some of these precious beings everything about me. (sides of me that are dark and of such pain) I have never had them afterwards belittle me, abandon me, or think less of me because of my humanness. Never has it come back to me, that I was their fodder for others either. Gossiping is never considered by any of us. We are incapable of it.

Youth is wasted on the young. I was horrified when I shared somethings with those that I truly believed were my other part of my heart. There are some people that could never recover from that kind of pain or betrayal. They even have a reality show based on the very thing! I cannot say that I have grown to now unscathed. No, there are no scars on my heart, that are still so deep that they never healed. I know that it was the wisdom that came from it that soothed and healed each cut, stab, and betrayal. I learned through some horrible circumstances and misunderstandings with some, to walk this earth thinking of only love and want for them.

Even in the midst of my childishness's of petty or pity, these friends continue to love and accept me. There are times that I stand at their doorsteps, with the insecurities I carry like Louie Vutton baggage. They help me unpack each one often. With care they lay it before me time and time again. Sorting and getting rid of. Tire is not what they feel with me. Patience is always in abundance. They do no harm.

They write me love letters of our friendship. Flowers are brought to my door. A soft sweep with their hand, against my cheek when I say something endearing to them. The celebration that erupts when we, together, make the conscience choice of J * O * Y and share it with one another just because! Our hugs that are never wanting to be un-hugged. Family disasters are confronted and pain is soon kissed away.

These "FRIENDS" are the ones that have real faith.
And I am so blessed that each of them chose me too.

Petal's of Peace

The morning of January 25th, I woke to find my home


scattered with petals


and containers of various


colors, sizes,


textures, and variety's of


God's beauty.

All for me.

I must say, it was a very
Happy
Birthday
to
me!

A Peace of Fly Paper.

Why is it,


that I


find myself


laughing


and laughing


over this?

Am I the only one?

Peace's of a Shattered Mind.

You know, back when I had first thought about creating a blog for myself and then making the decision to share it with others in this crazy blogging world, I had believed for the most part, that I would be writing posts that were mainly going to be of simple fun, or of deep meaning to me as in people that touch my life, or even of our families silly traditions!

Yet, since making that long ago decision to become a blogger, I had became more and more aware that, I had something even more to contribute outside of just myself. Each visit or my own posting, onto the many different digital papers, I found that there was more to all this than met the eye. That I found fellow blogger's were commenting on my postings. That there were things to be said and acknowledged. That I had more laughter to be ingested. That my incurable desire for Peace, I was quickly discovering it in the many other blog's on long the way. Even for the very elusive forgiveness, that I am always in hope for, in "what-ever" was happening around me and was given to me in the writings of my own and on the pages of friends that I made along the way.

In all these writings of mine, I have hoped that I have given the impression that I have a life has been one of true and pure positiveness and I live my day by such rules. That I am of the optimist nature and I have little room for the pessimists way of living. That stuff happens to us all. That I have succumbed to move through whatever it is. Always seeking counsel and comfort from those that I truly hold in high regard. To actually go through the angst and power that it is. That I never pack my bags for my days travel with any type of negativity on my mind or in my heart. That I choose bliss and that I stand only in compassion and empathy.

Until.......

These past 3 to 4 months, have been so unnerving and tiring for me, my family, and for the deeply loved friends that surround me daily. There has been so much sadness. Loss. Anger. Of so little peace. I am feeling beat up.

Each time, I have recited to myself over and over, when something is staring me in the face once again,

"This is not God's fault."

"With the good, comes the bad eventually."

"This too shall pass."

Or my favorite lately, and I'm screaming it loudly,

"I'M DONE!"

So.....here I am standing on my soapbox. My arms stretched wide. Stomping my foot here and there. Pleading to the universe saying, no more please:

Cancer.
Disease.
Car accidents.
Health issues.
A friend of 20 years, thinking you are capable of something, that just makes you just tilt your head to the side and say, "really?"
Death.
Pending death.
Coping with death.
A child that doesn't want to take pride in themself.
Learning of 3 friends deep depression and never knowing, ever, that they were going through it.
Suicide.
Attempts at suicide.
Haiti.
Loved ones on the brink of losing their homes.
Trying to fix what one can and realizing soon that it is futile.
Lack of compassion for another human being.
Job loss.
Downsizing.
Relationships changing without being consulted.
A child not doing what is needed to be happy on their own.
Pets having to be laid to rest.
Money.
A Baby being left without a Mother.
Funerals.
Not seeing enough of those that are good for your soul.
Walking with knowledge that you do not want to know.
Ignorance.
Employment security not safe anymore.
Eating disorder.
Promises.
Biopsy's.
A parent having to move in.
Your oldest sons friend, serving in Afghanistan.
Lied to.
Arguments.

Well now....there you have it. I have orated all that I have had in my shattered mind and pained heart of late. The many many shard pieces that were jagged, coarse, and raw are slowly being repaired. I have stepped down off the soapbox and I am going back to believing that,

Life still goes forward......

I know, I am just feeling overwhelmed and overloaded for a spell here. A very very L-O-N-G spell. I know that the bad "ju-ju" that has been in the water lately, will eventually have to run dry.

Still, there are days that it's quickly overshadowed by the abruptness of that proverbial,
"the next shoe that falls."

I am of the thinking there is truth in,
"when it rains, it pours."

But,

I am also of the thinking there is truth in,
"God does not give you more than you can handle."

So,

Amongst all this, I am and have done many things to keep my mind moving and active since these months have passed. Each day, I have things to remind me of the great and the good of this blessed life I have been given. I do my best to do for another each day. After my morning coffee, faithfully, I still wrap myself in my Monet-Prayer shawl and recite my mantra on my Mala beads. I get up each day and proceed through it being continually humbled to have been allowed so many blessings. To be of reverence in been given such amazing people in my life! To accept and to strive to keep moving forward, that there are far worse things happening everywhere and to everyone. That this "pity-party" of mine is truly so small in comparison to everyone else's. That everyone has their own story and their own crosses to bear. That if we ALL could throw our troubles into one huge pile, there is probably a good chance that we would take back all of our own troubles!

So okay, I'm just tired. Weary. I just need a break or a long long pause. We all do! Country, world, and universe!

I am in prayer that posting this is will be cathartic in some way. We'll see, right?

Oh and by the way, I even went and bought a "new" pair of rose-colored glasses.
I was thinking that maybe,
just maybe,
my old ones were just really scratched up.....

M & the PEACE she brings to us all!

On this day, January 7th, 1986, our daughter (in-law) M, was born to us all!


Our M is everything that is of beautiful appearance. When M is asked her opinion, she is kindly honest and softly truthful.

She sees more than others, in matters of the heart.

Our M has walked paths and fought battles, that no one of this age should have had to do. Our M's Mom has even said the words, "I wish I was more like her." (I admit too, that at times I look towards my M as a teacher to me in conduct.)

I so believe that all Mother's should say that about their daughter's as often as they can. Time has that way of passing and you are then left standing and wondering, "where did the time go?"


I wish this for all Mother's and Daughter's!

Baby-girl, on this birthday, we all can give you our wishes, our joys, "many" gifts wrapped in pretty paper and ribbons, prayers for your future, all of our hopes and aspirations for you, deeply exchanged hugs & kisses, and sweetie most importantly, the abundance of love.

So, our dear Baby-girl, Dad and I wish you this year, happiness in the purest forms. To achieve all that is before you. To always remember where you began. To keep your heart focused on the important things in life. That you are love and are loved.


And that laughing is truly the best cure for what ails ya!

Happy birthday Baby-girl!

Want a PEACE of Chocolate?

Can you believe this?




Isn't it just heavenly?




Peace AND dark chocolate! Wrapped all together?

This is too much for me to comprehend. What geniuses came up with this! I'll share it with you. (The website, not my chocolate!)

The website is Bloomsberryusa.com

Lord have mercy!

What will they come up with next?

PEACE Wishes for 2010!

2010!


These are my "open" prayers, thoughts, and wishes, for all of you dear friends, that visit my blog for this New Year!


1. Life isn't always fair, but it is really good!

2. You do not have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Being right is not better than being happy.

3. Make PEACE with your past. You do not want it to show up and screw with your present.

4.Do not compare your life to anyone else's. You have absolutely no idea what their journey has been.

5. Get rid of anything that is not useful, beautiful, or joyful.

6. Frame every "so-called" disaster with these words, "In five years, will any of this matter?"

7. Forgive everyone everything.

8. If everyone threw their problems all into a pile, I promise, you would grab yours back.

9. It is none of your business what others think of you.

10. Being envious is a waste of your precious time.

11. Your life is far too short to be disliking, or even hating another soul.

12. Don't audit your life here. Show up everyday and make the most of it.

13. You have always had all that you have ever needed.

14. Our lives aren't always tied up in pretty bows or such, but it is a gift this life we are given.

15. And finally, please remember that all that truly matters in the "end" is that you loved.




I so very much wish each of you, a most healthy, deep pocketed in prosperousness, of pure joy, of very few sorrows, of rich in kind-of-heart, to everyday love with abundance and abandonment, to always look toward your fellow man with forgiveness and of true kindness, and for all of you my dear friends here, I wish for you such PEACE in the New Year.



God's speed.

Twas Peace in the House!

Twas 15 days till Christmas and all through my Arizona house,


This is not a tree of 6ft. It is a tree of a full 12. It is way too big to house any mouse.

It stands so largely and ever so brightly! There are all 3800 lights on each branch and bough. With the song of The First Noel singing lightly.


The decorations were skewed all over our two couches,



In piles,


In heaps,


In groupings,


In clusters,


There are such treasured and cherished bunches!


Each decoration has found it's new place on our tree.


On each bough and each branch and dear, can you see?



That our tree is just perfect. All finished as can be. I so love my tree. Oh yes indeed!


So now off to our fireplace I turn with great hope,

I too would decorate this and that ain't no joke!



On the mantle they go, my barn stars of two. With three quite unique snowmen. You know, last year I had only two.
My Grandmother's vintage handkerchiefs, all hung for any "bless-you's!"


With 5 colored blocks, that spell out the word I live best.


This is our completed fireplace, l must say, this year's is the best!


So, I ponder and I think. What more can I do?
A PEACE tree of course, this isn't something new!



With all multi-colored and sized snowflakes, with all white lights, and a fair amount of glitter. Up went our PEACE tree, it stands in our washtub, it gives me the twitters!

So sitting and watching the twinkling's of joy, I want to wish, from my house to ours, PEACE and full bright light. May all of your blessings be many this year. As your sorrows be ever so few. Merry Christmas dear friends and always stand in the light!

GOD BLESS!