Lost Peace

Today is a day of not good news

Our youngest son T, was told yesterday in a letter form that, he isn't "good" enough to be enrolled into the School of Music at Northern Arizona University....as he read it out loud, to all of us in the room, with joy and love upon his face and with a tone in his voice of lilt and with an inflection of true anticipation, he arrives to the part in the paragraph, of words that could cut to a bone, "upon review of your application of materials and voice audition, we regret to inform you that you will not be enrolled into the School of Music for the school year of 2009 to 2010"....as the letter dropped slowly and wafted out of his hand, tears began to form in my eyes....I hug him and no words are spoken....my husband and I are waiting to see if T's reaction was, "okay, I guess I will try again next semester" or " I am the failure that they have been telling me I was"....as I am releasing my arms from around his adult torso, it is most obvious that he is not wanting to deal with "the letter"....we can see that T is beyond any sadness that I could justly describe to you in words on a page such as here....

T 3 years ago, had attended NAU....he was wanting to major in Choral Education and become a music teacher for high schools....T has wanted to do this since he was a Junior in high school...."T' went into NAU his freshmen year thinking that he had the world in front of him....that all his hopes and dreams were to be attainable at this University....that he knew hard work and total commitment was the first and foremost requirement that he needed....NAU is the place for such a degree he had been told....

T's freshmen year was by far amazing for him!....he made Dean's list and honor roll the first year....he acquired many many friends....but, then of course if you knew T, that only makes perfect and logical sense for, T is that great!!

In his first semester though, it had been obvious that he and the assigned room mate were not able to put differences aside and be able to reside in a small 40 by 40 room any longer....T did all then what was required of him to arrange and move to another dorm floor....T had never shared with my husband and I, what he was having to deal with....he wanted to handle it himself and not have either of us worry about him....it was only when we had arrived for a visit one weekend, T announced that he hopes we didn't mind but, he needs help "moving" the last of his things into his other dorm room....then he relaid what had been happening in this first semester....both my husband and I listened to T as he explained what had transpired for those months....how he tried to resolve what ever he could but, in the end found that "some people just do not want to be resolved or to have to compromise"....T having had made so many friends in the dorm, each of them encouraged him to move in with anyone of them instead....to this day, my husband and I will be forever grateful to C and his wanting T to be okay and happy....

The next year brought to T wanting to move out of the dorms and renting an apartment with friends....seeing that he was a hard worker in his studies and his working out the ways he would get to and from school campus, (T didn't have a car) with his room mates as well as other friends, my husband and I thought he would be a great candidate for accomplishing this....oh, and he also was working part time at a restaurant too....the friends to whom he had moved in with, by 2nd semester had then become erratic and not ones that he felt lived up to what they had said and promised him....we did our best to accommodate what was left of the semester and get T to where he needed to be and rearranged classes and such for him to be able to get to them....still, it was a semester that was horribly erratic and incomplete....

As part of the semester in Choral studies, after each semester you are to go before a panel of the administration and "perform" to voice to show this panel, your improvements, as well as, your grades and attendance of commitment to the Music Program....after each of these 2 semesters, T was being told that maybe he should start looking into another major...that the progress in his "vocal" ability is lack....T was devastated...."how can a voice of top quality be what is needed to be a Choral Director in Education?".....we were all baffled by this...none of the "panel" would answer his questions as to "what can I do differently so that I can be a Choral Director?....take more voice lessons was the only resolve he was given....so he did....we also felt that the panel may be "seeing" what level of commitment T had for this degree and passion to tell him this, as well as to all the other students pursuing this degree....yet, every time T was told that he should look elsewhere....

By the beginning of his third year, because of room mates that were truly from HELL and his trying to be what the administration was directing him towards, T soon became a lost soul....he was doing for everyone else except himself....he never had himself on the list of life's priorities....he was becoming what the administration was telling him....failure....not knowing as his parents for his "act" was Oscar worthy, we believed that he was doing the best he could....later we find that, be it a suicidal friend/room mate, a childhood friend that soon became tormentor and belligerent to T and his cat, or his finding solace and peace with those that do not have drive and commitment toward any positive worth at all, my husband and I became aware that things are in need of desperate change for our T....so by the January, we moved T home....depressed and lost, we nurtured T towards self esteem and an out look on life that meant pursuing everything you want....we encourage T to go and speak with his true friend and mentor, his music teacher from high school....with love and goodness in her amazing heart, she first told him precisely what he is needing to do to get back on track....the very first question she wanted to know was, "do you really want to teach music to high schoolers?"...."is that your passion?"....still bruised and sore from his past life in Flagstaff, he answered with what truth he still possessed and told her yes to each question asked....she motherly advised him to get into her classroom and be an intern for her a couple of days a week....that he needs to get into the community college and take what classes he needs and didn't complete while up at NAU....that he needs to get into the community college's choir....because he can sing and sing ever so beautifully....that he needs to know that he has purpose and is absolutely valid in what he wants in his life....my husband and I will be forever thankful to her for telling him, in her way, what we have been telling him all along....

So the professional letter-headed paper, lays on the coffee table and it stares back with such accusation and criticism....T doesn't want to talk about it...coffee this morning was quiet and discussion was not on the table at all.... he "wants to get through doing the college play that he is in"...."I will think about it later"....we can give that to him I suppose....as parents, we are hurting for our T....he deserves to have what he wants in life....we will, when he allows, to have us help him look at his options....re-audition come Spring?....finish all that you can at the community college level?....apply at ASU?....is there others?

J and I think we will just hug him every moment it is allowed....we will tell him that we think he is amazing and worthy of this degree....that life isn't always fair and you have to weave your way through the ugliness to find the beauty....

And the beauty is T....