Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm Fiddy!

January 25th, 1961

You would think that this milestone was a horrible one. I have been told it is and some of my dearest friends have wrestled with it hard.

Not me.....I haven't looked at it that way at all. It is a number, not a feeling.

I have been so happy these past few years with all that is happening around me. I have learned to appreciate the body I have been given. As I am grateful to her daily for carrying me and taking the best care she can, under all the circumstances I give her. I so love my brain. How she has helped me cope with anger and despair. To understand I cannot control anyone or any situation. I can only take care of my actions and reactions.

50 years taught me this.

I still of course, get sad and frustrated when things do not fall into place the way I intended. I desperately try to find the lesson in it when it doesn't. Beauty in ugliness and it is what it is, have become my motto's over these years.
Coming into 50 has been so wonderful for me. I stand up for myself more and do not allow others to belittle me and cause me to doubt my true moral compass. I do not allow others to put words in my mouth. I have learned it is none of my business what others think of me.

I have a soulmate at my side that is everything that is good and right. My J has always been my greatest fan and has encouraged me in everything that I do. He has provided me a life of pure bliss and it is not at his expense. My J and I are, just are. When things are right, the kind of right that is felt down to your core, you never tamper with or sacrifice that.

I stay as kind as I can when I speak or think of another. I try to allow others the same that I hope from them. I get stuck sometimes and I have learned that it passes quickly when I give it no power. I have learned that I am a good person with a very good heart.


I can't wait to see how the rest of this amazing life goes. I am so excited! Excited as a 50 year old SHOULD be!

January 25th 2011

Blessings, light, love, and peace for all of you!
Happy Birthday!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Life in more than 6 months....

This has been my last 6 months....or so....

In a nutshell basically....more or less....

It has been a range of emotions and crisis's. Ebbs and flows that have occurred in our lives. From the daily happiness of love, to the profound sadness of loss (and I can hear what you are all saying about now, "duh....facts of life") I have witnessed so much ugliness and vile words come out of the mouths of those that claim to love me. Older established friends, deciding to end this friendship without discussion or resolution. Our despair of a National economy and it's effects on our family and friends. Some of our's employment is "prayingly" secure, while others are lost or cut in half. Houses lost to banks and quick new living needs to be found. An addicts relapsing after sobriety was experienced. The reality of that horrid horrid disease setting in our bones once again.
Still, even with the insecurities of my and of my family's life; I have once again discovered positiveness and so many more lessons learned. To become richer with knowledge in each of their endings. The time that I was beyond scared. Beyond terrified even. (So much so, that to think about them again, makes my eyes pool with tears and my heart races.) It was to my very core of being. Only being in the end, receiving beyond my capa
city, all the love and light that this world posses for any of us. There were days that I felt awfully alone. Despair was a friend to me. No one truly, unless experienced for them self, could know exactly what it was for me and my family. Many gave comfort and their heart but, in the end it was a journey I once again was destined to travel alone. It was overwhelming to say the least. Those times have passed and I stand straighter in the light, with my face lifted towards the heavens. Grateful and educated I have become.

New beginnings....

As we can see, my last post was of My M
artha. Those months prior, then the fact of her leaving this earth, and then the aftermath of "how does it all work now?", just about "took-me-out" if you don't mind me sayin. Still trying to redirect that fluid running through my veins. (Even our Book Club not spared in many ways.) I am most aware that it is all still fresh and new. 6 months have just passed. The firsts for us all have had to happen. I do believe I have gone through the bulk of the grief part. Even though, I am even aware of it all while I write this.

I just purely miss he
r. My Martha. I have no other words to describe it. We are all trying to seemingly fall, into our way of walking in the world without her physically, at our side. I have found a pace and gait at times. When seeking comfort, I see my Martha in every book I read or when my fingers caress the books on the shelves in the stores. My Martha is in every inch of Gilbert El. When at Nando's enjoying bean dip and getting on The Margarita Express. In all the faces and hearts of her friends and family. My Martha is even on Facebook still. I have found it such an oddity, at how life continues to move. Don't you? In the end, I know we are just loving our loved one in a different way. Still, we are "odd" because we are no longer the same person we were before.

ll I had digressed. Moving on....

Thinking about where and why to resume blogging, after friends ask where and why I haven't been doing it any longer, I realize that life is a faucet of these many emotions/things I have experienced in these last 6 months....or so. Though I feel it not right to bare the intensity of my despair that occurred and will not for the future (God please no more of that!) I was thinking to take my blog to heights of the joy within my heart. Lessons I may have learned. Things that make me go mmmmmmm. I am so blessed. I repeat this to myself daily. I am so blessed. I am SO blessed! It's funny, I wish I could justly describe the amount of LOVE I have within me. I know it was there when I was crying in the shower or my tears dampened my pillow at night. It was there when we said goodbyes to those we were not wanting to. All at the same time, I feel I could just BURST with the love and chosen bliss I DO posses!

So, in coming back, it is my prayer that I will try to give you, more of a window into all my blessings. Even the ones I will learn are blessings. Documenting with photo's maybe the challenge though for me. I have such a hard time remembering to take the camera with me wherever I go and if I do, having the camera in hand to take them. And as far as on my cell phone, it is still too simple to have me be able to download any photo for all to see. Still I will try.

So for my first blog back, I want to share a few "magic" moments that I (we) experienced in these last 6 months....or so.

I am not sure when, but I believe in this past March, we had begun renovations to the inside o
f our home and of course, to our living. My J bought me a new "grown-up's" couch for my birthday and it all started from there! We also became Empty Nester's in August. Our youngest now out on his own. The Family home had been large enough to raise our precious 2 sons, 3 dogs, a mouse and 2 cats. Housed my sister B and her dog for 4 months....or so and my niece S came to live with us for almost 5 years. If the walls could talk right?

We began with the downstairs. Family room, kitchen, formal Living room.

This is the downstairs family room. My J made those wooden shutters for the windows with his own hands. We chose forest green because, it had alw
ays been a favorite color of mine.

This is the befo

And now the after.

We are so pleased with the end result of this room. It has cleaner lines and seems more of a "grown-up's" house now. My J once agai
n, did the mantle all by himself.

This is suppose to be the Dining room. Yet for our family, we never really needed one. It always seemed our kitchen was the "heart" of our family and most gatherings. (even during the earlier hosted holidays, we used the kitchen. It wasn't until our numbers grew too large that I gave all holidays to my sister B to host!)

This is the before.

And now the after.

These are of the formal Living room. The iron gate upon the wall, was intentionally bought to go as our bedrooms headboard, but we love it so much and found it quite unique, that my J built a platform so we could mount it on the wall. I still have hopes that it will one day be our bed's headboard. We don't have any before photo's for the Living room. We forgot to and remembered too late. All the walls were white and little else.

This is after.

And another after.

This oil painting over the table, was done by my J's Aunt M. Many years ago. I believe she would have liked how we have honored her and the painting.

This is going up to the upstairs of course. The quilt there, was in a box we had found, after my J's Grandma R had passed on. The note in the box read, "whoever finds this, please oh please, finish this and put it all together and keep it for yourself." I was beyond silly when I was the one that opened the box!! It was dated 1952.

August: after the bittersweet departure of our youngest son T, we found it echoed in silence and loudness as one, all throughout the upstairs. 2 of those rooms empty in remembrance of the day we moved in. This is our youngest son T's room. It now serves as our guest room. Again, no before photo's. It was painted a very very vibrant blue. The entire wall with the window, had floor to ceiling shelving. Since finished, son T has given his approval and has already slept here a couple of times.

This is after.

And another after.

We were so pleased with the end results. There are still 2 more rooms to go and I didn't include our oldest son J's room, which is now my J's office. Nor the 2 bathrooms either. Still we have time now. The echoing has ceased and memory laughter is all around. There are new sounds filling the gaps. I do admit though, it took my J and I awhile to be use to all the changes. With being Empty Nester's, we found that this new chapter was a grieving process, as well as, an exciting time and adventure. And we do know how I do so love an adventure right?

November: our Thanksgiving table. Missing is our son J and daughter-in-law M. They spent it with her family. As her (and ours too) family, we suffered the loss of the Matriarch B. The family needed to create new traditions and still grieve their first holiday without him. For us here, we still manged to have a table, that was of love and light. Of family and friends. Laughter that could numb one silent. Heads bowed in reverence to these blessings in life. God's true Grace.

An evening out with Love and Family.

The greatest Man, in every way possible. I couldn't survive without this heart of a man intertwined with mine.

My J.

This is our Christmas with our children believing in Santa Claus.
This is them finding out t
hat they were accepted into the Hogwart's School of Wizardry in March!

Their Owls are sleeping after their long long flight to give our children their acceptance letters. They were sleeping soundly in their boxes below.

This is our youngest son's newest baby. She is a rescue of course. 6 months old. (irony huh?) She is half blind in one eye and she is partially deaf.
Please meet our precious Piper.

This is our oldest son J while on a training trip to Georgia for a NEW promotion within his employment. He went to visit his Godfather J and his amazing family. Nothing like a Godson and Godfather sharing quality time together.

This is our youngest son T. He founded and started with a partner, their own Theater and Production company.
Book No Book Productions. They both have 2 productions already under their belt, all we can say is, "Look out world, our baby is on his way!"

I still continue to swim in the depth of love for my Sister B! She truly loves me like no other person could ever try. B proves time and time again, that she can still bring me to my knees in gratitude and laughter!
NOTHING like a sister! NOTHING!

So there you are....

Life is beautiful! Even in the ugliness. I adore with all my heart and do my best to honor all that choose to have me in their life.

So, let's see how well I do here again. Hoping that blogging is back here to stay and I say to you all, I really am so sorry that I have been gone such a while.

Love and Light to you all.