Monday, March 29, 2010

Peace of this & a Peace of that.

In my lifetime so far.....

I have been immensely blessed in my 49 years of life. I strive to live a grateful life everyday that I am allowed to be here. Having friendships, is one that because of the passing of time and through acquiring wisdom from others, for me, has become one of the most treasured blessing that I posses, next to the blessing of my own blood family.

Since I can remember, I have been an explorer for having and being in friendships. Seeking always for the elusive validation and acceptance in all that whom I trustingly embraced firstly. Because that's what we ALL really want in this world from others. No?

Over these last 4 decades of me, I have been given without pause by me, many friends here in proximity, as well as, some scattered over the many states across this country. The many that I have left behind, are amongst the ones that pain me into a dark space of abyss at times. Knowing that I only see them but once or twice a year. These childhood moppets, were my mentors and examples to what I was in need of appropriately. I learned what it was to BE a friend. Over time, I have found some peace in knowing, that I would rather see those beautiful and spiritedly rich friends, once or twice a year, than endure just one (some) friend(s), that are of false slander against me. They are the one(s) that speak of unkindnesses towards me or behind me to others. You always find out down the road what they did or what they said. It is like a lie. I try daily to live my life in a way, that no one would ever think of me to BE fodder. I am well aware that I am of pure imperfection with stitched intentions of good. In the end though, it simply comes down to, how with true care and honesty, we love one another in our friendship. It is the bases of all that is right in the world.

L * O * V * E

I have never had to second guess the friends that I have chosen (or better worded, learned) to have fallen madly in love with. The others are my blessings of being my acquaintances. I still love them with the heart I have been given and educated with. I also would do almost anything for them. I do chose to protect fiercely, each of my inner circle as my blessings. I know my emotional safety is with them, as theirs is with me. In these later years, I have told some of these precious beings everything about me. (sides of me that are dark and of such pain) I have never had them afterwards belittle me, abandon me, or think less of me because of my humanness. Never has it come back to me, that I was their fodder for others either. Gossiping is never considered by any of us. We are incapable of it.

Youth is wasted on the young. I was horrified when I shared somethings with those that I truly believed were my other part of my heart. There are some people that could never recover from that kind of pain or betrayal. They even have a reality show based on the very thing! I cannot say that I have grown to now unscathed. No, there are no scars on my heart, that are still so deep that they never healed. I know that it was the wisdom that came from it that soothed and healed each cut, stab, and betrayal. I learned through some horrible circumstances and misunderstandings with some, to walk this earth thinking of only love and want for them.

Even in the midst of my childishness's of petty or pity, these friends continue to love and accept me. There are times that I stand at their doorsteps, with the insecurities I carry like Louie Vutton baggage. They help me unpack each one often. With care they lay it before me time and time again. Sorting and getting rid of. Tire is not what they feel with me. Patience is always in abundance. They do no harm.

They write me love letters of our friendship. Flowers are brought to my door. A soft sweep with their hand, against my cheek when I say something endearing to them. The celebration that erupts when we, together, make the conscience choice of J * O * Y and share it with one another just because! Our hugs that are never wanting to be un-hugged. Family disasters are confronted and pain is soon kissed away.

These "FRIENDS" are the ones that have real faith.
And I am so blessed that each of them chose me too.