Monday, May 4, 2009

Another side of N-Search of Peace.

Hi everyone...
I'm N-Search of Peace.
An amazing girlfriend of mine had sent me a version of this on FaceBook awhile back. I thought this would be really great as a post on my Blog too. I am hoping that this could start a chain reaction with my friends out there in doing the same. Be it simply your conversation around your dinner tables one evening with family, or at a party you maybe attending and need a conversation opener, or for your own personal journaling in blog-land/written page.
For me, I could have written so much more than the required "25" facts and/or random thoughts of mine. (as you will come across on #17, to which I humbly ask for your patience in reading through) Still, they are each and everyone apart of me and what resides in this honey colored head of mine for the most part. I really think that all of those that are reading this could benefit from it. Please take cue and do this someway and somehow. For me, I found this to be quite healing in some, of putting my life back in a livable perspective again, to state my gratefulness out loud, and to just say things that pop in my head. And who knows? In another year or so, I probably can sit and write down another "25" random thoughts to share and each of them be just as powerful as these were for me. So here I go.....

1. I have forgiven my past and my part in it, F-I-N-A-L-L-Y. That was one of the HARDEST things I have ever done for myself.

2. Everyday I am in prayer for health and the love of ones self, to my precious daughter-in-law M. She struggles so deeply. With all that I am, I want her to choose to see the light we ALL see in her.

3. I am grateful every single day for having the honor of having my sister B back in my life. For such a long painful time, so long ago, we thought B lost in a darkness of life that shielded her from my love and protection. It was her seeking to be healed from the dark that, is a true testament that there is far greater than us out there. I also wish she was closer in distance. My sister B is truly one of my heroes in life!

4. I can't spend more than 2 seconds giving thought to "if I should die after my J." It actually causes me anxiousness, my tummy starts to hurt, and I start to cry.

5. I learned that my best friends, B, R, and C can bring out more in me that I never knew could possibly exist in me. It goes beyond all logical thinking in girlfriends that are best friends. We each choose to love all the good and all the bad of one another unconditionally. Some would say that kind of love is only for "blood-ties" to have.

6. Our son J, astounds me daily in 99% of his mantra's of life. J has deeply restored my faith in all that is human time and time again. I continually strive to be more like him every day!

7. I am in prayer always, that our dear and precious M, to always be of health. To continue allowing all that are apart of her, to relish in her amazing smile and to the inner love that she bestows on each of us unselfishly!

8. My Wrangler soft-top Jeep is the most amazing materialistic item I have ever owned! There is nothing like running around in her, top down, stereo blasting! I will find any and every excuse to be out in her!

9. People think me to be a patient person. I am not a patient person at all. I am not even remotely close to one.

10. It's amazing to me at how many people there are around me still or of just being introduced to, will busy themselves in my having no worth since I live a life of doing whatever I please. I do not believe they have ever thought to ask me if "the whatever I please" is ever of any valid worth or do I truly contribute to the earth that we all share. So should I be asked, I can provide them with an actual list or by verse.

11. Even though they have passed on so long ago, I very much wish still, that things were different, with my Father and with his parents, my Nana and Poppy.

12. There was NOTHING in our world more meaningful to my heart than, when my Uncle G (my Father's brother and my Godfather) told me that he loves me. That he no longer believes the lies he was told of me. The first time my Uncle G hugged me, can still draw a tear to my eye. He IS so important to how I survive now.

13. J and I worry for our son T. Be it his future on this planet as a man, to finding what it really means to be happy and living his life as he should.

14. I cannot be kind towards those that posses intolerance for other human beings, for whatever their reasons may be. That in itself is a contradiction of my own. I want every spirit to be of kindness and practice it every moment they have to do so.

15. I believe that H-A-T-E is a four letter curse-word.

16. I absolutely love it when J will take my hand in his, first he kisses the back of it, then turns it over and kisses the palm. He does it almost every time and anywhere we are. It makes me melt BIG time!

17. I love everything that pertains to Christmas time, Autumn and the colors, snowflakes, the word "peace" not just it's meaning, painting things artistically, the extreme softness and purr of my cat Minie, the beauty that is my best friend R's face and heart, the same of course for my best friend C too, the scent of almonds and cherries together, most all music genres, the shape of a man's hands, C's homemade salsa, each and everyone of my girlfriends, photographs old and recent, Ed and Mary's cabin at Deer Springs with my Ya-ya's, my house, the children I day-cared for, the way J sees me through his eye's, my Mom's heart-filled intentions, boho style clothing, flying dreams, watching a baby take their first steps, being a Mom, my childhood neighborhood, fresh seafood, English gardens, those that helped me become who I am today, my purple croc's, best friend C's scrambled eggs, real silver jewelry, "Lovely" perfume, stained glass windows of all kinds, J's love letters that I still have and read over and over, champagne, J's arms, anything that best friend R cooks or bakes, L and family moving back here from Ohio, the treadmill, my best friend R's 2 girl's M and O, my best friend C's daughter M and son D, God, laughing, flowers of all kinds, purple the color, laughing in a Hallmark card store reading their cards, finding a bargain, the flowers in Trader Joe's, Scottish folk songs, watching our son J perform on stage, listening to our son T sing, my niece K and the love she gives me, C's (our son J's mother-in-law) innocence in things still, blogging and facebook, bagpipes, hands in the good earth, watching others experience joy and glee, Nando's margarita's no-salt, my stretch marks, pretty painted toes, feeling safe, the New England Patriot's, lacrosse games, hockey, my name, even numbers, doing for others when they don't know about it, how I felt when I lost 100 pounds, The Wizard of Oz, sitting out back in R's and C's backyards, coffee, and I think I better stop here.

18. I miss my boys when they were toddlers and full of innocence. From Santa Claus to the Tooth Fairy, when J used to keep asking, "how did that baby get in your tummy Mommy?"and "you better not burp or it will come out!". Or when T asked every time, "hug me one more time Mommy, I will miss you till the next one."

19. To a fault I am too forgiving. I am still trying to figure that one out and where to put it.

20. I so miss all of my High School friends so very much. I am grateful to this age of e-mails and the internet. Facebook has led me to a lost love and to others that were just memories of then. The ones that are still with me, we have created the feel that we always just pick up where we last left off. To this day, they have remained some of my closest and truest friends still.

21. I can get sweaty palms and all dreamy-like when I see a man wearing a kilt! Lord have mercy!

22. I love the fact that J and I created a life, where success doesn't equate to only being rich and wealthy.

23. I still have an extremely hard time seeing our son J's wedding band on his finger. I start to cry every time.

24. Marriage is hard work. I hope that our kid's will roll up their sleeves when call upon to. Remembering that family is around them for help.

And lastly, 25. I want to continue to grow and learn. To love and accept. To agree to disagree. To live my blessed life continually happy and to be always aware and sure that, all I know are loved by me and that I want the same for each of their lives too.