B and L-L.
AKA: Angel-Face.
My post today, is impart, a letter I had written to my most amazing and beautiful of spirit sister B. I had given it to her this past Saturday evening at L-L's graduation party that B hosted. In my not wanting to fold it up in business form and it enclosed in an envelope, I wrapped it up in soft angel tissue paper. Tied it with ribbon of course in love. The gold ribbon chosen was exactly like the one that is wrapped around both of our sister-hearts uniting them as one.
I had struggled on what I wanted to do for my B, to commemorate this milestone of an occasion. B has now become a new member of a club ("the club for parents who's children old enough to go away to college") I wanted to acknowledge to my B that, she truly has had everything to do with our L-L's getting to this point in her life. For my stating to B in some way, that her sole parenting and the rearing of her daughter was what was right. That it was my B's own perception and interpretation of life. Of her approach to the world that, has set L-L's footsteps in motion. In realizing that L-L is now a more confidant and amazing spirit in this world.
As I begin this here, as you all do know, my B is extremely important to me and that my life is enriched in so many ways. That it is just because God gave her to me (I really, at one time believed that he did!) In looking over past posts here on my blog, it is obvious the tremendous importance she is to me and how deeply loved and admired she is.
As for specific details of our pasts, I will not post into cyber-world the truths of our family (not because of shame or pain but, each of our stories are ours to tell and have spoken out loud) I can say there is one exception in a detail, it is also because of my B, that I am truly a better human being to myself, to my family/friends and to all that I encounter. R and C right along side of her. That B's existence in my life is constant and ever so consistent. Fact known, no one should ever be tested in the ways that B and I have had to endure. But, our past it is and past it will remain. For a long time now, my life is just addedly more wonderful, blessed, empowered, and funnier, because we ARE such great sisters.
So, here is what I came up with in words and paper. The tears that only a sister can shed came down upon ones clothing. A testament of a sister's love for her little sister.
"To my dearest sister B-
I have sat and written out this letter of love and acknowledgment, at least a hundred times over this past month. My deciding upon which paper I should use, lined simply or with embellishments on it. Typed on the computer, or is that really too impersonal? What color ink or pen should be used, so that it will hold each of the emotions that I am wanting so much so, to convey. The color and texture of the paper important too. That I started and I restarted. I erased and I threw away pages after pages. All of my thoughts then collected on what I want to say. All the important recollections of our past and of our present, that I too wanted to state. And lastly, of a sister who is just wanting to speak to her little sister's heart. Letting her know that she so deeply understands the "knowing". As well as, to have another opportunity to tell her that, she is so overwhelmingly loved and adored by me.
So........................
Finally I sit here at the computer, (screw the impersonalizing of it!) font color picked, the template too, and my heart ready to speak.
Dear B,
you are now in a chapter of your life that holds an 18 year old daughter that is soon to be off to college. A new journey for her and so much more, for you! It is a milestone that has all Mom's feeling left behind with so many different emotions. The bittersweetness of it can be so overwhelming! So much so, that I have witnessed the strongest of Mom's brought down to their knees. It is not discriminatory. At times we all desperately will try to pause long enough, to cram in all the huge amounts of love and joy, that we want them to take with them come Fall. Making each precious because, they will soon be coming to a screeching halt!
As your sister and as a Mom too, whom is already a member of this club, I "know" of the various dialogs that you are possibly running in your head. The many check lists that you have written out and/or have delegated to L-L too. Applications being filled out. Contents including all that is required. Grades and transfers. Letters of recommendation asked for and received. Scholarships applied for and awarded to from NAU. Follow ups. Her prom and new dress. Senior pictures and her announcements filled out and mailed. Awards ceremony. Cap and gown. Graduation. Party. Packing her up. Driving her to NAU.
I also "know" of the heart-felt dialogs that your heart has spoken over and over again. Of the sleepless nights and drives home from work to cause us to be lost somewhere else in our minds or that has us puddles of tears. The many items you have created mentally to say and to remember. "Did I remember to teach her how to rely on herself more in living away from home?" "Did I show her by good example, that she can accomplish anything this life has in-store for her?" "Will I ever come to know if she really will miss me, as much as I am going to miss her?" "Did I get her enough warm clothes for those winter months?" "Did I tell her how, "liking" her as a soul on this planet, in all true purpose, is the biggest gift in her being chosen to be my daughter?" And, "will I really survive this whole transition well and come to "know" the knowing and put it in a healthy place?"
I so "know" that there are many other head and heart dialogs that you have said in your quietest moments. I may not have hit them all and even of the ones that are more important to you but, just
"know" that I "know."
When the absence of our children in our daily living occurs, it can be all consuming for a period of time. Over time, it will settle and a rhythm of your family will become a new melody of your life. Of course you will cry at appropriate and inappropriate times. Letting each tear fall. It really honors what you are to her in so many ways. Be it when you are in the shower and in the car, or in the grocery store passing her favorite brand of hummus, or when K and C will say that they "miss Sissy and could we please call and talk to her."
Just know that I "know".
When I have chosen to recall the times of the life that, was so long ago for us as a family, the could of's and would be's of then, cause me to only just stand up tall, with pride in my heart, tears cascading down upon my cheeks, in thunderous applause of you! You B, have raised your daughter. You became the Mom you were meant to be for L-L. Fulfilling the plan that God had set in motion those 18 years ago. Recognizing when you once again saw God's light.
J spoke in a room somewhere, one day that was so long ago. We know him to be a man of very few words. Yet he spoke of heroes that day to a small important crowd. He stood and said out loud into the world, more in that testament, than your very own sister could ever say in her own lifetime.
So, with that being said, know this too, I so love and adore you B, in words indescribable and non-writable.
That you now "know" the "know" and it will be okay.
And lastly B,
"Oh the Places You Will Go....."
With love for you that is bursting out of my heart,
N"
Can you tell how B has affected me and the life I live? How could anyone not adore her? In her way of how she thinks and of her arrangement of the words to say, can always be haunting and reverent to my life and of those who let her in. I love her sense of humor, how her quirks are joyous and infectious! To be in her world is always fun and always full of love.
I have been blessed with 3 of the most increditable best friends in my life! I live daily in my gratitude for them. I always believe I try to make a point when we are all together, to relay to them just how important they are in my existance. Yet, I never believe I have ever acknowledged to anyone that, my very first best friend, in my life, was my little sister B.
So, now I have.
And...
My life just gets better and better.
Oh, and did I mention too that B had the best graduation party ever for L-L! B put on the greatest spread for L-L. Hostess and proud Mom. Yup, told you she is the best!
Pretty, isn't this?
I have one of her books also. "You Can Heal Your Life." Let me first say, I am S-T-I-L-L on page 22 and I bought it around 4 months ago. Ms. Hay, really has you do some intense inner work, to progress to the next chapter or text. Like I said, I am still on page 22. It is sitting on my coffee table still beckoning me to read further. This is another post entirely!
